How the Lord Captured my Heart - My Testimony

I’ve realized that that those things we do before we “accepted Jesus as our Lord” are now embarrassing, while before I was ignorant and even proud at times. Yes it is shameful to even speak about them but it is part of my walk in life that it humbles me to recall them as I write my testimony. I know that I open myself to be reviled, people who had been so good in their lives may despise me of my shameful works I did before I was reborn in God’s family. I take comfort that I am now a new creation in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17), the past has gone. Also, in a positive way, I am hoping that others may realize that although I am a worse sinner, the Lord had mercy on me so that Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience to those who would believe in him for eternal life (1 Timothy 1:16).


I was raised in a Catholic culture in the Philippines though our family is not a religious type. We lived a humble life, my father was a soldier and my mother had to go abroad to work as Domestic Helper to add income for our family. I had one elder brother. I grew up with basic idea its normal for soldiers to be unfaithful to their wives whenever they are destined in far places. Maybe to coup up with loneliness. Not that all soldiers do that but because a wrong misconception that "if many people are doing it", they thought it is OK. Unfortunately that had happened to our family while my mother was at abroad, my father had been unfaithful. Adults would explain to me then that my father was just tempted, still I had bitterness at young age.


I believe it is hard to feel secured or feel the love of God as our heavenly Father when our earthy father had failed our trust. To compound the situation, my mother died when I was 14 and we have to live with the other woman with their child who was then 5 year of age right after my mother died. They married and we (me and my brother) strived in life from there on. We strived to live independently as far as possible from home. I’ve got to find scholarship and work in order to finish college. My father helped me partly and I respect my father for that, I knew he love me in his ways and I want him to be happy as well. I had no bitterness about him now, this is just to recall why my life had been and what led me to many heartaches.


I was not grounded in knowledge about God and therefore there are times I doubted if he was listening to my prayers. As a result, although I professed as a Christian, in my action I deny the Lord. I believed mostly in my own effort and some luck. After high school I rented away from my family and focused in my studies aiming to have a good job afterwards. Living independently, though I didn't go partying like casual students does, but I got involved into relationships easily which caused me heart-breaking memories. Well I own the issues, I am very shaky and easily discouraged and didn't try my best to make things work. Still, I managed to focus on my studies, I always aim to be the best in my classes. The good result is that I graduated with the highest honors among my batch and delivered the valedictory speech (I'm not a genius, just had a lot of hard work and perseverance). I did landed in good jobs but I count all my achievements futile – all that I gain thinking it’s by my own efforts, forsaking all else but studies and career. Those are all worthless - its foolishness to the Lord and I count them like trash compared to the amazing life the Lord Jesus Christ graciously gives me now.


I still remember my vain life before knowing the Lord although the hurt is gone but just a memory. I made many mistakes then, it keeps me humble whenever I recall about them, I am so grateful towards God now who strengthened me and lavished me with amazing grace in Christ Jesus. I would say back then I enjoyed my freedom too well when I was young but I was lost and end up losing what really matters in life. Yet constantly insecure having the feeling that anyway I didn't deserve having good things, feeling of not being good enough, undeserved to be loved. Maybe because of my unfortunate family background or that perfectionists usually had this feelings and end up losing people around due to high expectations for others. There were then so many great things going on in my life but I was meditating on what I don't have. Its just like my outside appearance looks happy and successful but the inner person is craving, unloved, confused and lonely. Well of course that is just a memory now since 2012 when I accepted the Lord truly in my heart (after professing agnostic since 2008). Thanks to the Lord who found me like a straying sheep around roaring lions. He led me to still waters and fed me abundantly that I stopped craving, He replaced all that I've lost or felt sad about and there is nothing more I could ask than abiding in His precious love. His rod comforts me knowing His discipline means He loves me, he doesn't want me to fall away and ensnared by the wolf. I know He died for me in the cross and there is nothing that can separate His love from me. This is the real freedom I really needed, not the deceitful freedom the world gives.

How I Became an Agnostic and How the Lord Rescued Me

After some unfortunate events in my life in the Philippines, on 2007 I went to Singapore to start a new life where I worked as IT Consultant. I also met people in different races and religion. There were non-Christian people who had questioned my faith as a Christian. Since I didn’t read my bible well, my logical thinking tells me I have been living as agnostic all my life (doubt that there is God). Therefore on 2008, I called myself agnostic, my poor way of aligning my thought, action and speech. Happiness for me then is to travel in different countries, enjoy beaches, nature trips, and whatever pleasures the world gives - idolizing the creation and not the creator. I also live in immorality base on bible standards and had no guilt about it since general population doesn't see it wrong. However all those happiness are fleeting and most times brings me no peace of mind. I constantly visit doctors for unexplained conditions, asking for sleeping pills and try all sorts of medicine alternatives. I thought that was normal or by luck some are just healthy. Actually, the cause of all my misery is I was constantly sinning by living as enemy of the cross - ignorant and refusing to believe nor seek the very author of life.

 

Two years after I became agnostic, on 2010, I had a relationship with a Christian who I met way back in college. (He’s my husband now). He was young in Christian faith. He stayed with me in Singapore and it started great as all of my relationships did but the normal daily life includes constant fighting due to our different views and our past relationships issues.

 

My boyfriend met a very strong in faith Christian Brother (Henry) who was healed of heart problem – total divine healing by our Lord Jesus Christ. He would invite us for fellowship in his house. As agnostic, that time I didn’t  believe his testimonies. Brother Henry told my boyfriend he can’t marry me because we are unequally yoked. The brother did not asked my boyfriend to leave me, instead they prayed for my soul for weeks that I would accept the Lord. I would attend fellowship with my boyfriend to comply only being with him but I was absent minded and wouldn’t listen.

 

That brother introduced me with a Christian couple - Tabitha and Nathaniel, he thought these people could help me accept the Lord. But my heart then was still very tough, even how much sharing they did to prove God exists and He does miracles, I didn’t believe. I am pro-science and I even doubted that Jesus was born of a virgin. It was sad that the religion I grow up with became somewhat a myth to me. This verse holds so well for me 2 Corinthians 4:3-4 "And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing.  In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers...". Before we left off that night, Tabitha said, “Why not try to invite Jesus in your heart even you didn’t know him well, ask Him to help you know Him.”

 

Then one night I couldn’t sleep, and was really bothered. I reviewed my memory lane of failures, and fell depressed again. I have not prayed for many years. I broke in tears for feeling so messed up. Like a dying person who would try anything that could possibly help me live, I thought I could try to go back to God. Then my doubts about God rings in my ears, then I remembered Tabitha's advice – “try to invite Jesus even you didn’t know Him yet” – so I did and I promised to seek him from there on.

 

The next day I told my boyfriend I accepted the Lord last night. He was so happy and told our Christian brother that their prayers was answered – I didn’t know that. They immediately arranged the baptism and me and my boyfriend were baptized on May 19, 2012.

 

Never did I know a great life was awaiting for me, a life I wished I had when I was younger. Since then, I noticed I loved reading the bible and loved fellowship. That means my spirit had life, I could then felt like the words in the bible was alive - I can stand long hours reading and singing them. I am a new creation in Christ and I felt no condemnation (2 Corinthians 5:17, Romans 8:1) I started to believe in testimonies of other Christians – Jesus heals, not only physical but emotional - he can soften the heart of the hardest heart like mine. I’ve started to forgive all people who had hurt me and let go of all my frustrations, of not being good enough. It wasn’t just over night, it’s a daily process of sanctification.

 

God's Provision: Abundant life includes divine Healing

A month after our baptism with my boyfriend we got married. In God’s grace we able to fully pay our house in Makati, Philippines in just few months. God has blessed us so much in favor and finances. Material blessings are great but I don't fancy them now compared when I was younger in faith. Truly He is great and has immeasurable power towards all who believe that he can provide more that we could ask or think. Until now, the Lord still continues to surprise us in His provisions.

After a year of marriage, we were so blessed that I got pregnant. However during my pregnancy, I still have fear because my mother died in giving birth, I thought there is a curse in the line of my mother because 4 out of 6 siblings died, and I was scared to land the same fate. Our Christian brother explained to us that all curse are already broken by Jesus Christ on the Cross. During my labor and delivery, I decline all suggested medications and pain relievers, my medication was the few verses I memorized and prayers to the Lord.

 

I meditated on “I shall not die but live and recount the deeds of the Lord – Psalms 118:17”. The Lord is faithful, I did not die in normal delivery, but the fear still opened a door to the enemy. (I wish had memorized more verses then).  I had SPD or Pelvic Pain after child delivery. I was frustrated to see others who just gave birth walks normally but I was in a wheelchair with excruciating pain, I couldn’t do much like an invalid. I got even scared more when I read about a lady who became permanently disabled after having this same condition.

 

I’ve researched about this condition and even grew fearful that some needs surgery and months of pain killers and some needs lifetime therapies, some did recovered after months of therapy. I know its radical but I’ve resolved not to go for any medication nor therapies soonest I left the hospital. I put my faith on the Lord alone. I also read testimonies of other Christians who got well of other terminal illness and my faith increased. Since I was young in faith, I followed the guideline on James 5:14 – Is anyone of you sick? Let him call for the elder of the church and let them pray over him…” Therefore I asked our Christian elder brother to pray for me. He explained all sickness has been healed by Jesus 2000 years ago, ...by his stripes we are healed (Isaiah 53:4-5), that I was just being deceived by the enemy.

 

Since it was explained to me that what I was going through is just deception of the enemy, although I still feel pain, whenever my husband asks how it is, I would say I am already healed by Jesus. Obviously that was not entirely true because I could not even carry my baby. Good thing my husband's aunt was there to assist me in everything. Whenever I have the pain I would pray rejecting it and every day I would say I am already healed by the Lord Jesus Christ, then surely the enemy was tired inflicting me and left me. In total of 8 weeks after delivery, I was completely healed. Praise God! Probably it could have been quicker if I had not researched so much about those who did not recover that results to fear which is the opposite of faith for healing.

 

I’ve learned that the redemptive value of the cross of Jesus Christ is not only the after-this-life-go-to-heaven but also for our physical healing and provisions here on Earth. I’ve learned as well that if we should not seek for healing, but to not get sick by avoiding sin, for sin cause sickness. (John 5:14 “See, you are well! Sin no more, that nothing worse may happen to you.”)

 

Our faith was tested again when our son fell so sick. He has high fever, vomiting, coughing, and colds. My husband and I knew why, because we opened a door for the enemy, we were fighting and nobody wants to start to make peace. We then repented in provoking each other and prayed, the Lord faithfully healed our son. So to speak, now our family doctor is Jesus. We no longer call for elder for healing as James 5:14 stated, since we grew in faith that “all things are possible to the one who believes” Mark 9:23. I was also healed of other long term sickness like migraine, insomnia, skin problems, hearing problems and dependency in eye-glasses. Same with my husband’s long term health issues. Some symptoms would sometimes pop out, it’s a signal that there is something wrong in our spiritual life, when we recognize our sins and repent and forsake them, then the Lord would heal us.

 

We’ve understand the concept of abundant life base on “John 10:10 - The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, an abundant life”, that it’s the enemy who steal all good things, like sickness, relationships and financial issues. The enemy can only inflict us if we open door for him by sin (fear, anger, bitterness, stress, etc.). The Lord gives us abundant life, abundant also means prosperous in health, finances and peace. We're not saying we live a trouble-free life, especially facing persecution but every day we still grow in faith in the ways of the Lord. Now we do not need to see miracles to believe God’s power because we know that we have a supernatural God, and I just know the Lord is faithful. I’ve been studying and reading bible and understood that he heals in the old testament and in new testament, thus he heals also in present age because he said “He is same yesterday, today, and forever – Hebrews 13:8”. There was no report in the bible that someone went to a physician and got well, either they suffered more or died, but whoever comes to God was healed, in exception that there is a place he didn't do many miracles because of their unbelief.
 

Love of God's Words

 

It’s embarrassing to recall I throw in trash-bin the bible given by my mother when I became agnostic. But now I love the word of God, so much that I wanted to meditate them day and night. Note that it didn't just happen overnight, it was gradual. I resolve to do my best to follow His commandments out of love and gratefulness. I’m also aiming to memorize most of the Bible in the strength that God supplies that I may be able to share my faith and encourage others who needs to raise their faith by hearing the word of God as it says “Faith comes by hearing, and hearing the word of God - Romans 10:17. Besides, I regretted that I only have few memorized verses when I was on labor and giving birth, and while in pain on my sickness. There are many instances we can’t take out our bible and the best way is to keep in our hearts. Now someone will say the Holy Spirit will teach us all truth, but the devil is still out there, how can we distinguish who’s voice are we hearing? Thus I’ve stored up God’s words in my heart that I might not sin against Him” Psalms 119:11 (I personalized it). Then it makes easier for me to distinguish the voice of the Holy Spirit or the enemy, or my fleshly desires.

 

This testimony is just a little part of the great things the Lord has done in my life. I would really encourage all to be serious in hiding God’s words in our hearts, you'll not regret it. I tremble in the word of God and I wrote this testimony to glorify God and helps those who may want to believe in him for God’s provision in this life and eternal life. Glory to God the Father through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.

P.S.

As I grow in the knowledge of His word, I realized that He saved me not just to save my relationship, or to bless me financially, or to give me peace...it is not to get the best of this world or best life now, it is ultimately to save me from the wrath of God which I justly deserve, and to glorify His Majesty for eternity. Here's my blog when I had a glimpse of a bit of understanding about His cross. 



Memorizing scripture, study, fellowship and constant prayers helps me to grow in the Lord, I will always be work in progress until He comes. Thus I try to make the best use of time, especially that I had embarked a goal to hide His words in my heart, I have another blog while I updated regularly such as benefits in memorizing. If anyone has same passions please contact me and maybe we could encourage each other.